Running

Well, I should really call it walking. But it has begun. After months of trying to talk myself into doing something, I started getting up early to walk/run. I love summer mornings and I feel awesome after I run. So there it is...exercising has commenced. Now it's just the food thing.

Even though I have started exercising I still have the battle all the time. I feel like I have a tiny girl on each shoulder. One is running and full of energy and is so annoying that I want to punch her in the face. The other one doesn't care. She is eating yummy things and laying on a soft, lovely couch. She doesn't yell at me when I eat cookies.

It is my constant inner battle that I am afraid will be there my whole life. I saw something interesting on Oprah. I don't know if anyone else saw it...Oprah had an author of a book called "Women, Food, and God". There were some really good things in there. I am going to try and read it. It left me with a lot of things to think about but not understanding how to apply them to me. One thing that really stood out to me was a girl at the end of the show. She had lost and gained and lost and gained 100 lbs. She finally has been able to keep it off after she worked with the author of this book.

They talked about feeling "unworthy" when you are overweight and once you lose the weight you will finally be "worthy" of love, acceptance, whatever you are lacking. Unfortunately I totally relate to that. I feel like that more often than I would like to admit. I have found it even more overwhelming since moving back to Utah. It is like all the insecurities I had as a teenager are here. I felt them the second I moved back. I distinctly remember sitting at a family event and seeing all these family members I hadn't seen for a long time and thinking, "why would they even want to talk to me at all? I am such a fat slob." Mind you, I could fit into a size 8 at the time. It really didn't matter what I weighed, it was all in my head. Insecurity is an ugly disease I deal with every day. It is going to take something more than myself to overcome it.

I have to admit, a lot of that insecurity went away when I lost weight a few years ago. I thought I had it all figured out. It was a very emotional process and I thought I healed a lot of things when I was all wrapped up in it. But it is just a life-long process, I guess. A constant battle of choices. So I will embrace the annoying running girl on my shoulder. She feels better and has a lot more to give to other people.

Vacation Woes

I hesitate to post because I don't have great news to report but that is what this is all about...the good, bad, and very ugly. I actually had some progress before my trip. I had 5 weeks of clean, healthy eating. I drank tons of water. The results were slow coming but I ended up losing 5 pounds. I was very excited about that. We went on vacation last week and I am just struggling to get back into things. I think I need a detox. I have to say that the calories weren't that bad...I just ate a lot of stuff I haven't eaten for a long time. I usually stay away from really processed and fried foods. Not saying I NEVER eat them but they are definitely a rare happening. We had a lot of convenience foods like Twinkies and cupcakes and fries and other crap like that.

I am amazed at how much that effected my body. There really is something about that kind of food that makes your body just crave more and makes you not care about what goes in your mouth. I really hate feeling the way that I feel after eating that...but seem to not be able to help myself. I am waiting for the motivation to hit. I am waiting for my monthly friend so I think that will help move things along as well.

Next week I will have better things to report. I am starting to run again. Not today (I have 6 kids) I think Monday would be a great start.

Still Going Strong

I had a rough weekend. I didn't plan ahead and got too hungry. I also had my grocery trip cut short so I didn't get all the food I needed to have good options in the house. Anyways, Monday was back on and I had a great eating out experience. Lisa was a huge help so I owe it to her. The whole family went to P.F. Chang's for dinner. Now that I am paying attention it is amazing how fast the calories can get out of control when you are at a dinner like that!!!! Lisa and I decided beforehand that we were going to get the lettuce wraps as a meal. They are low in carbs and calories. The rest of the family ate "family style" meals. It was really hard to pass up fried chicken and fried rice. But I am proud to say that I ate 1 veggie potsticker and 3 lettuce wraps. I also had 2 bites of the birthday cake we brought. Not too bad for eating out. Lisa found out the lettuce wraps are 100 calories each. I think I managed the whole meal with 450 calories...which is amazing considering what it would have been if I wouldn't have been paying attention.

I am so proud of myself in the "treat" department. I am really focusing on only eating when I am truly hungry. It isn't a familiar feeling but I am becoming more acquainted with it. Saturday I ate ice cream and it was okay. I was totally in control and I got a small serving. But Sunday I was eating to feed something other than my body. I was very hungry after church and I heated up left over pizza for my family. I ate that instead of making myself something healthier and just kept eating it because it was there. Then I made cookies to take to a dinner and it was all over. Dane had to work so I was feeling a little stressed about that. That was all the excuse I needed, I guess.

The rest of the week has been much better. I have discovered a new favorite snack...edemame in the shell. I like to get the small bags that you can just pop in the microwave and they steam in there. I put some salt on them and yummmy! They are perfect for the late afternoon when I am really hungry but just need something to hold me over until dinner. Yesterday I was feeling super munchy. The snow in April didn't help my mood at all. I didn't eat anything that bad...just too much of everything. But by dinner time I wasn't really hungry. Instead of just eating because it was "time" for dinner, I listened to my body and told myself if I was hungry in a couple of hours I would eat something small. I drank lots of water and never felt hungry the rest of the night.

Small victories...that is what I am going for right now. In other news, I haven't lost any weight but I am not discouraged because I feel really good. It feels so much better to be in control of myself. It is still tempting every day but overall it is getting easier to resist temptations.

Back Again

Okay, people. How depressing was that last post? I still don't feel like I am 100% but I am getting there. The nice weather is helping out a lot. It is a little frustrating that I am back in the same boat I was before I lost weight the first time. I feel like I did all this work to really figure out what was at the root of my food issues. It just proves to me that this is a life-long battle. As much as I want my lifestyle to be one that isn't full of difficult food decisions everyday, I don't think it ever will be. Just because I mastered weight loss at one point in my life, doesn't mean I have mastered it forever. It is an ongoing battle. At least I have the tools I need this time, it is just the drive and motivation that I lack sometimes.

I am happy to say that I am back and I am motivated. I wanted to wait a little while to post so I could be sure I was for real this time. I have tracked and recorded calories and I am very proud of myself for the past 2 1/2 weeks. I don't have a scale yet but I will be getting one soon (hopefully). I am really trying to eat healthy - not just counting calories, but really giving my body the vitamins and fuel it needs. I have averaged about 100 oz. of water everyday for the past 2 1/2 weeks and stayed at about 1200-1300 calories. I am not depriving myself of sugar, but if I am going to indulge, it has to fit within my calories.

I have had so much support to get me going this time. My sis-in-law, Lisa, is so motivating and keeps me going out here. I also have Tiff & Suzy who keep me going on the phone. And I have all my blogging friends from all over to help keep me on track. The only thing holding me back is ME!

I have a little more fire in me now then when I tried to start in January. I have a familiar competitiveness trying to eek its way back into my head. The competition is me against my mouth. All the battles go on in my head and it is all day long but if I can keep that fire going, I can do it.

I am still struggling with exercise. I haven't found the fire for that one yet. I know it will make me feel better but it just isn't happening yet. I really need to join a gym. More to come soon!

Struggling

I have to apologize to all my dedicated fitness friends. I am really struggling with this right now. I know I just have a bad case of the winter blues but it is really impairing my ability to care about much of anything right now. I am sure I will be back on it soon. But until I can get a little more motivation, I am sorry I am not of any help to anyone right now. Everyone else stick with it...you guys are so awesome and I always look forward to seeing your progress. I am still going to keep updating this blog, I just can't promise it will be good or motivating...just therapeutic for me.

Rough Week

I had a bad week last week. That doesn't mean that I just pigged out all week, I actually had some strong moments and ate relatively well. I am just in a little funk right now. I think it is the winter. It seems like I always lack motivation and energy in the winter. It is hard for me to even get motivated to leave the house. I don't have much going on and no one to see on a daily basis so it is hard to push past the impulse to be lazy and barricade myself inside.

On a more positive note, I still feel the desire to eat when I am bored here at home but I am able to stop and think about it and make a better choice. And last Friday, I was out running around and I talked myself in and out of stopping to buy a treat several times. Ultimately I went home and had a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich. So that was a small victory. I really didn't try that hard on the weekend so that wasn't so good. But overall last week was yucky.

Hopefully this week will be a little better!

The Weekend...

Yeeeaaahhh, let's just say that it wasn't a weekend full of diet-friendly food. I did okay until Saturday night. It all started with the Peanut M&Ms at the Jazz game. Then I had to make cookies for dinner on Sunday. Then we went to the movies and out to lunch on Monday. Needless to say, I wasn't staying anywhere near the 1300 calorie mark. It's okay. I jumped back into it today. I was actually under my calories at the end of the day. So when Dane came home with Donuts (dang him), I felt like I could have one. Probably not the best choice but it was okay. I am not restricting sugar anymore. Looking back, though, I probably should have just eaten 1/2 of one and I would have been totally satisfied but oh well. I have to start working out regularly again. I know it makes a huge difference in how I feel, I just can't seem to pull myself out of bed for it!!!!! Tomorrow I am definitely working out...no matter what.